i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
