dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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