I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
