Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
