I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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