I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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