I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
