I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
