i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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