Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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