Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
