What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
