I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
