I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
