I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
