At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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