the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
