My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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