Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I faked an abortion last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
