You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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