entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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