So stoned i forgot i was in bed
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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