Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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