After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
