I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
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Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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