I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Still dying that you shit outside
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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