I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
