I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
