meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
