Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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