Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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