She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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