don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
