Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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