At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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