Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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