I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
