Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
