she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
