You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
