I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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