he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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