I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
farters have to be the big spoon...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
