what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
