I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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