I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
