And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When are your genitals available?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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