Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
