I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
