so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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