I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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