This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
