Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
