Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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