I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
