how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
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I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.