I can't watch pbs sober anymore
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.